Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
