it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.