Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
