you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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