omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
