It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
