i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
