my room smells like sperm. sweet.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Randomize
