Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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