if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
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He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
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Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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