I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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