I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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