I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
where are you?
Hypothermia
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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