Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
