Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
tell me about the eggs
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
