Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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