It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
