I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
