pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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