Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
