Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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