So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
