Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
