he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
