So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
