Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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