Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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