everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
