her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
