I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
