Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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