i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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