he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
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I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
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I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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