Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
