So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
