Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Still dying that you shit outside
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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