she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
