When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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