it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she peed on how many people?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
