even my farts smell like vagina
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
