Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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