turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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