i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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