I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
