Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Terrible idea I love it
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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