When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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