New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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