I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
