do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
