Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
