Me too!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
