i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
