if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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